Darkness turns to light

I share this story with you because at the core it is part of who I am. It is a part of my journey and my spiritual awakening. I wrote this some time ago but until recently did not have the go ahead I felt I needed to publicly speak about this time in my life. We all have a past, we all carry some form or shame, secrets or regret that perhaps we hold onto in fear of what others may think.

On my journey to self love and becoming a healer I have learned this.

We are all Gods children, each of us was created equal and put on this earth with a purpose. Some of us are lucky enough to find that purpose and have less struggles. Others will choose to take the path less traveled to find out the hard way what the meaning of life and there soul purpose is.

I took the hard way, I have always needed to know things on my own terms even when it hurt. Now that I have a better grasp of the universe and my charts it is no surprise to me that I always chose to learn the lessons first handed and not just be taught them. I am truly grateful for each lesson I have lived, each moment of pain and sadness and each tear I have and will continue to shed because my past allows me to help people who are going through similar stories.

I can pin point the moment and day that my world came crashing down, except the thing is I had to realize it wasn’t actually my world it was my egos world.

There was a knock at my door and by knock I mean a loud alarming bang. At that very moment I was about to make a mistake and reenter a sexual relationship with my ex of whom I had broken up with five months before. Up until that point I had been strong. We didn’t speak for four months I started practicing Kundalini Yoga and I began reading Marianne Williamsons ‘A Return to Love’ but something (ego)triggered me one day and I just couldn’t believe how he had moved on from our relationship and began seeing someone else when I had asked him to get his act together.

I had been strong for myself and worked hard to move on but the ego is tricky and just as you think you may be breaking it down it will show up and from experience I know that ego can have dramatic effects.

Now back to that bang on the door, my ex jumped up and asked me not to get it. Of course I was going to answer my gut told me something was wrong. And wrong it was, as I got up to go to the door in my robe I was greeted by undercover officers who were there looking for the man I cared for. His story is not mine to tell but lets just say this was also the universe giving him his own divine intervention and opportunity to recreate his life.

Within moments the cops were in my home handcuffing him. I was sobbing on my bathroom floor unable to breathe as they walked him out; I could barely even look at him. I was horrified. What would people in my building where I had lived for 6 years at the time think, what would my doorman say, did any of my friends see, how do I tell my family. I was a wreck. All of that work I felt I had done for the prior 4 months felt washed away. Hollow would be the best word to describe how I was feeling.

That very night I had to show up to a friend’s birthday and I had yet to tell anyone I was a wreck. I confided in a girlfriend as soon as she got to the bar and unfortunately I didn’t feel I got the support I needed at that time. No one could console me and I decided in that moment I couldn’t tell my family out of fear of disappointment.

Disappointment similar to ego and fear I would come to notice were common themes in my life.

For the next two or so months my ex spent his time in the downtown Manhattan prison where he would call me daily; with each call I would get sick, I mean physically. My stomach would tense up and I would feel pangs of what I convinced myself was guilt if I didn’t answer. But was it guilt? Or was it fear. I didn’t know what would happen if I stopped answering. I hurt for him. He asked me to please bring a bag of things to the jail, some sweatpants, socks, books and I somehow agreed to it. I even met his mother and got some items for her, why didn’t she go. How did this guy become my responsibility all over again? How, well I let it be that way, I guess in a way I wanted to save him and in doing so I forgot to save myself.

I went to the jail and it was awful. Immediately I was sickened by the process, how had I this “Jewish girl from Long Island” found myself visiting my ex boyfriend in prison? Nobody knew aside from his family. It was this deep secret that I was keeping and I guess that could have been sign alone I shouldn’t be there.

Shortly after that visit he was sentenced and sent away. I had the option to put money on a calling card for him to contact me and something told me not too, it was my opportunity for a fresh start to heal to find myself and to figure out why the fuck I kept making the same decisions over and over. I knew in that moment that if I didn’t figure out who I was my life would never change.

I enrolled in a 30 day Kundalini Yoga challenge, started reading ‘A Return to Love Again’ and really started paying attention to my feelings and the people and things around me. This was the beginning of my spiritual awakening.

xo,

Lauren Courtney